Thankful

for the few in my life that I can always turn to, rely on, lean on.
Thankful for the ones who I know will always be there for me no matter what.

These days I have been struggling. YES, I admit it. I hate admitting it and I don't want to admit it, but yes I am struggling and in every situation possible.

School. Finals week. What am I doing? Why can't I study? I hate studying. I try to motivate myself, I try to find motivation through others. Nothing works. I try to think about the kids that want education but can't receive any education. Some motivation, but not enough motivation. I tell myself everyday, "God sent me to UCSD for a reason." To study, to make use of myself, to make use of my studies in the future (whatever it may be). I need to study and I need to get into the habit of studying :( Help por favor!

Family. I miss mi familia. I miss my pops. I miss my grandparents. I miss my cousins. But I miss my pops the most. I don't like admitting it cause I don't like to get TOO lovey dovey or too mushy about stuff like this. But ...I do :( And what can I do about it ? Nothing really. I don't think I realize it as much as I should but my pops does so much for me. I know he's constantly trying to support me and I know he's constanly worrying about me. It hurts me that my pops is going through so much, yet I literally sit here in SD doing nothing about it. My pops and even the rest of my family is struggling and I haven't done much these days to make it any easier for them..I think I'm just making it harder. What a horrible daughter and family I am.

Friends. Especially when it comes to friends, I feel like I'm influenced a lot. I guess you can say I'm struggling between two worlds? There are friends that bring out the worst in me vs. friends that bring out the best in me. Friends who will lead me to the right path vs. friends who will lead me to the wrong path. Friends who will lead me to a world of sin vs. friends who will lead me to live a life for God. I'm constantly influenced by the wrong friends and pressured to do the wrong things. How am I supposed to be friends with those who will only lead me to live a worldly life while still trying to live my life for God?....If I, myself have a lot to work on spiritually, how am I supposed to preach to my friends about the word of God and giving up their lives to God? I live a life of sin...yet I want my friends to change and live a life for God. Isn't that considered hypocritical, in a sense?

Spiritually. Confused. I want to change, I want to follow God, I want to live my life for God. I want all of this, yet we all know that actions speak louder than words. I can say, I want this and I want that, but how much do I really want God in my life? Do I want God badly enough to get rid of my old ways and start living my life fully for him, and him only? ...? I want to start fresh. I know that in order to fully give up my life to God I'm going to have to put my full faith and trust in him. Once again, it's easy to say but definitely definitely definitely not easy to do. Baby steps are what I will take.

And to end this blog...with a passage

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

OKAY 7AM. I see the sun coming up. Sleep time. Hope ya'll enjoyed this entry.